137. Intimacy in Relationships

In a world where we are increasingly being overstimulated by media, our drive for dopamine is overriding our sensitivity to intimacy. We don't even really recognize intimacy anymore.

I was inspired to write further on this topic by one of my favorite non neurotypical (NNT) influencers. Trigger warning: the song at the very end of her video has a lot of adult language that some might find offensive. If you are delicate, you might want to pause as soon as she starts singing:

Of Herbs and Altars is courageous about addressing these topics, like consent and sensation, that we don’t really teach each other anymore. But she doesn’t talk about the opposite of roughness: intimacy. It’s a great start to identify problems, but I think most people would also like solutions.

Here I am going to break my advice down into 3 categories:

• Consent

• Sensation

• Intimacy

Understanding these three things can make you a much better lover, and much more appreciated by current, potential, and future partners. You don’t need to be an athlete, you don’t have to be young or old, and you don’t have to put either of you into dangerous situations.

Consent

The most important thing in any relationship is trust, and this goes along with communication. This extends to professional relationships also. Here in Australia the lack of a consent culture is causing serious breakdowns in society. The government is aware of the situation, so they have produced a whole series of infomercials on consent to try to change the course of the culture. This effort has been an almost total failure because their advertisements never mention that women need to get consent, and in turn they just come across as man shaming. So all genders ignore them.

We have this romantic idea that the right person will just “know” what we want when we want it (even if we don’t know ourselves) and will never exceed our boundaries. That’s a nice fantasy. I know a lot of sex workers and especially dominatrixes. All the people I know who do sex work automatically go into the friend zone. No offense to them, it’s just impossible to be friends with them if they see you as a client. A professional will not only be good at listening to their clients, but will also pay particular attention to getting consent and stopping if/when their client revokes consent.

For the vast majority of us who are “amateurs”, we don’t get taught how to give or get consent. And whoever writes the content for the Australian infomercials on consent obviously doesn’t understand the concept either. When I worked as the trainer for the UCLA and USA Olympic women’s track teams, and then practiced and taught physical therapy, building trust with a patient/athlete was critical to having a successful outcome. Even though there is implied consent when a patient/athlete asks for help, it’s still important to get consent for any new activity and not assume.

You know where they never ask for consent? Pornography. If anything, they act out the process of “oh don’t, I’m not that kind of person” and then proceed to role play getting them to change their mind. People today (and especially young people) are increasingly learning how to treat others intimately by watching porn. Porn does not teach consent. It does not teach trust, it does not teach communication. If anything, it paints a fantasy world where everyone always wants what you want and you can do whatever you feel like to them.

The best first dates I’ve ever had lasted 3 days straight. First dates. That doesn’t normally happen like it does in a Harlequin Romance. [For those too young to know what that is, these are romance novels and the most purchased books in the USA for decades). But if you can design a first date to be just like a Harlequin Romance, you and your potential partner are going to have a magical time.

That doesn’t happen by accident though. A lot of communication needs to go into even that first meeting. Get consent for a long date if both of you are feeling really positive about it. Then plan the whole first day (usually the man does this, and pays for that first date), and get consent from the other person. As the “man” in this situation I always have two conditions:

1. Separate sleeping quarters are arranged.

2. No sex on a first date

The reason here is that there should be no pressure on either person to “put out”. If both people are feeling it and want to renegotiate these conditions, that’s totally fine. I don’t, because I prefer really intense relationships that involve the other person appreciating me for more than my sexual abilities.

If you do this right, and there is chemistry, then that first day can turn into another, and then another, if both agree. Focus on the romance, not the physicality, just like in a Harlequin Romance. There’s a reason why they are the most read books in the world for decades. If you are a guy reading this, you really don’t have to push things. If you do this right your date will be so happy with you that she will initiate things. Hopefully while asking for consent.

My final point on consent is that consent is sexy. It’s hard to imagine anything more sexy. Asking a person for permissions, even if that’s just to go for a walk, shows intense respect for the other person. In our modern world, this is so often missing that people will immediately take notice and put you in a place of recognition. Giving people choices is also very empowering.

Sensation

The body has nerve ending all over. Every part of your skin, even every hair, has nerve endings (in the root in the case of hair). Scent is a huge part of attraction. Perhaps stronger than visual stimulation, the effect of scent can’t be understated. Whether it is on a first date, or after almost six years in my current relationship, I probably put more effort into smelling good than any other cosmetic thing I do, even putting on clothes.

That does not mean using perfumes. Perfumes are artificial chemicals that obliterate your natural scent. That’s not good. If you don’t smell good to someone else, that’s not going to last long at all. If you do smell good to a partner, you want to keep it that way. If you are an athlete, then you can purge your strongest scents by exercising, and then showering/bathing. Then you will smell great for most of the rest of the day. If you have not exercised that day, your strongest scents are going to come out with the first sweat.

Bad scents are often the result of bacteria that are feeding on nutrients that you have left them. If you have fat folds, a lot of nutrients and bacteria can accumulate there. These bacteria are usually anaerobes, meaning they live in places where there is no oxygen. If you have places on your body where oxygen doesn’t reach, make sure to clean those areas regularly.

Humans have a built in “personal space” that extends out 18 inches or about 46 cm. The science of human space is Proxemics. That distance is considered “intimate space”. Do not enter the intimate space of someone without consent, even if you don’t touch them. I had a gay coworker sit on my desk, spread his legs, and position his crotch within 18 inches of my nose once. I filed a sexual harassment complaint. As nothing was done about it, he would later crawl over me during a 1:1 meeting he called so that his body was only about 3 inches (8 cm) from mine. That triggered my second sexual harassment complaint.

Now if you are courting someone, and you don’t have consent to touch yet, pay close attention to signals. How close are they standing next to you? You might test the situation by standing right at the edge of their intimate space and watch to see if they back up. Or they may do something similar to you. These are powerful signals. With proper awareness, you can send and receive a lot of information about the people around you without touching them. Because this range is universal for humans, you can tell just by looking at other people what their relationship is between themselves and others. When I saw Ted Kennedy standing closer than 18 inches from Barack Obama at the Democratic convention, I knew he was going to be the 44th President. I didn’t even know who the guy was, but I could see the relationship.

I would caution that highly sensitive people, like high functioning non neurotypicals (NNTs), are extremely aware inside that intimate space, and it might extend a bit further than normal. So if you are dealing with an NNT on a date, or at work, or anywhere, be extremely mindful of your distance. Not only for them, but they are going to be able to read you at high speed if you get that close and you may not want them to have that much information about you.

In a world where we are constantly bombarded by stimulation, where every app is trying to out stimulate the competition, I cannot stress the importance of lowering the volume and practicing awareness. Awareness is sexy. Stimulation of any kind is like high volume. Your body reacts by desensitizing. Being numb is not sexy, except to predators. If you attract a lot of predators, this might be because you’ve become desensitized.

Likewise, always use the smallest stimulation possible with a partner or potential partner. As I was raised by cats, and they are superior teachers here, let me use a cat example. First off, cats teach consent, dogs don’t. Dog people are bad at consent because they are trained wrong by their dogs. A dog doesn’t care what you do to them, as long as you do something to them. A cat will scratch you if you try to touch them without consent.

How do you get consent from a cat? Move to the edge of personal space:

Maybe not even that close since cats are very sensitive. Then become very still, maybe sit down. Extend your hand, palm down, a few inches. Wait. Wait more. After a minute or so the cat will approach and smell your hand. Then look up at you. If the cat likes you, they will push up against your hand. If their body language is ambiguous, move your hand an inch (2.5 cm) closer and watch their body language. Be patient, cats don’t respect pushy humans. If you play this game properly, almost any cat will be friendly to you. Especially if you smell good.

Now what if you are petting them, and after about 5 or 10 minutes they scratch you? This might really confuse you. Cats have even more nerve endings that neurotypical humans. This is why NNTs and cats get along so well, they have neurological/sensitivity parity. What was pleasurable initially to the cat will become overstimulating if it is repeated too many times. Once you hit that point they will cut you to tell you to stop. Note that cats have fur so when they do this to each other, they don’t get cut. Lucky you.

I could probably write a book on how to talk to cats, but the point I’m trying to make here is that humans may be slow, but they follow the same stimulation/awareness rules. If you are showing affection to someone through touch, you have to vary that touch a lot. This is one of the most damaging things that pornography teaches: this focus on the genitals. Sex and romance is mental. By varying the stimulation you can keep building intensity without overstimulating the other person. That’s not what pornography teaches. Pornography teaches you how to get cut.

Here I don’t just mean different types of touch. Different sounds, different scents, even different temperatures can all be stimulating. I like to throw a bit of exercise into a date to keep things dynamic. Breathing is sexy. Sweating can be sexy, though for guys remember to “pre sweat” (and bath/shower) so it’s less strong.

When a potential partner is receptive, their pupils will get bigger. This is really advanced stuff, but if you have practiced awareness, you will pick up on this. Threat can also cause pupil dilation, so context matters a lot here. A threatened person won’t try to maintain eye contact.

My final 2 pieces of advice on building awareness:

1. Hang out with cats. Let them teach you awareness, because they are the masters. Men, you like to bag on cat ladies, but they can be pretty hot,

2. Reduce the noise in your life. Spend time listening, perhaps while meditating. Awareness is a practiced skill. In a world flooded by stimulation, you need to reset daily.

Intimacy

True intimacy only occurs as a state of vulnerability. As most of us are taught that vulnerability is a bad thing, most of us won’t experience intimacy. We will be cursed to just rub up against other people and call it a day. Then that person will ghost you and you wonder why.

I discuss this state of vulnerability in great depth in my paper on Soulmates. Soulmates are real, but because we are taught to fear vulnerability we are cursed to never experience it. You may only know it from those Harlequin Romance novels, where the people there seem confident enough to be totally vulnerable to each other. Wouldn’t it be great if you could do that?

A person who is naïve can be accidentally vulnerable, and a favorite prey of predators. But being intentionally vulnerable is extremely powerful. It’s also very obvious when a person is being deliberately vulnerable, as opposed to accidentally vulnerable. Just don’t show that vulnerability to everyone or people will think you are naïve. Unless you are a monk, or training to be one. Then people will understand, but also know that you are off the market as you disavow physical relationships.

How do you signal vulnerability to another person? I would start by sharing a feeling. Invulnerable people can’t show emotion, except maybe uncontrolled anger. Back when I was on the market, I would decide what kind of first date to have with someone based on their vulnerability level. The people who could be deliberately vulnerable with me would get the Romantic Holiday first date. The ones that were afraid to show any of their secrets would get the short tea/coffee date. Those people might open up over time, but that could take years. They likely won’t have the patience or intention to ever get there.

As long as people equate vulnerability with a lack of safety, they won’t ever find joy in their relationships. It’s a sad truth, and core to why so many people are frustrated today. They might engage in porn-style sex, but never open up.

Parting Advice

In all your relationships, the most important thing you can give another person is your feelings. This was a hard lesson for me to learn as I grew up wanting to be Spock. I can even do the single eyebrow raise because I practiced it for years. A person who never shares their emotions can’t be hurt. And I got hurt a lot as a child. As I talk about in my Soulmates paper, I didn’t realize how much I was losing by living at this level of invulnerability, until someone powerful showed me.

Unfortunately, there is almost no one left on Earth that can intentionally live vulnerable. Except monks, but they don’t date. That isn’t a good reason not to try though. Being vulnerable is a skill that you build through practice. That’s why it takes monks a lifetime to develop it. The person you will best connect to will be someone that can trade vulnerability with you. That’s why you start your best dates off showing trustworthiness by communicating well and asking for consent. You show genuine interest in the person before you, and not objectify them. Empower them by giving them choices, not commands or ultimatums.

This advice applies to all genders.