208. The End of Pacifism
I took a Vow of Pacifism at the age of 18. I have decided to end that Vow, a decision I take with the utmost deliberation and gravity. Here I explain why, and what that means.
My Childhood, Ideology, and Why I Became a Militarist and Pacifist
Growing up in Santa Monica, California, it became clear that I had inexplicable cognitive development that was detected through testing by authorities in the school district when I was 7. They didn’t know what to do with me, so they put me in a corner, instructed all other students not to talk to me, and gave me years of material to complete every month while self educating.
What I did for recreation was mostly play games. Back then these were board games. Because I gravitated to the most complex games, at that time these were all board games, and mostly war games. I learned the history of war through gaming, along with an understanding of economics, politics, and combined arms doctrine.
I was mostly apolitical and totally non ideological. This changed when I got my hands on the rulebook for Bushido.
I so resonated with the Code of Bushido that I made it my guiding ideology. I believe it is fair to say I embodied every core virtue 100%, and this dictated my responses to every encounter and decision point in my life (data from AI search):
I had no interest whatsoever in the three major (warring) Western religions, and was content to die rather than be converted via threat and even torture by my father. Fortunately the medical community reacted to the symptoms of torture and intervened to save my life when I was 17. Because I had this core ideology at age 17, which put honor before life, the psychological damage of that period was minimized since I took no action to compromise my honor.
When my father’s Turkish family in Tabriz was entirely rounded up in late 1979 by the new Iranian regime, and presumably tortured and murdered, I took this as a personal insult. I reacted by working tirelessly to get Bob “Bomber” Dornan elected in Republican unfriendly West Los Angeles in 1980. He credited me on national television with his win. I was 14 years old. Bob was the patriarch of the B-2 bomber, and my efforts contributed to its eventual construction and deployment.
It was always understood that the B-2 was for Iran, not Russia. It would ultimately be deployed for that purpose. My alliance with Bob ensured I had access to the two congressional letters of recommendation I would need for the military academy of my choice.
I started college at age 16 in order to take Japanese language classes. I had hoped to be picked as an exchange student, but Santa Monica High instead picked the richest boy in the school, thinking he would better represent the USA. That boy came back and said he had a horrible experience because he never left the host house and could not speak any Japanese.
When I turned 18 and had access to romantic options that were not so cognitively lopsided, I had my first relationship with one of my university instructors. I was careful to wait until I was no longer one of her students. She exposed me to knowledge about the USA’s military atrocities in Vietnam, behavior which I considered dishonorable, and which I had been shielded from in my military bubble.
After months of intense reflection, I just could not continue down my military path because I would inevitably be forced to choose between honor and loyalty if I joined the military. The rigor of my Bushido ideology did not permit such compromises. So I took the difficult action of taking a Vow of Pacifism and giving up my hard earned military privileges.
The Olympics
The one place in life, and perhaps the whole world, that supported both “The Way of the Warrior” and Pacifism was the Olympic family. It just so happened that my coach from age 17 on was an Olympic world record holder: Tommie Smith. Tommie inspired me, and even helped me get my first job on the security team for the 1984 UCLA Olympic Village. The whole campus was taken over to use as Olympic residences and facilities during the Los Angeles Olympics.
My way of being caused me to rise in rank faster than would normally be possible, and I ended up being the top sergeant of security within 3 months. I was directly responsible for the security and safety of about 50% of the civilian traffic in the Village. This included personnel screening, perimeter defence, and bomb checks. I was 18 years old.
By the age of 22 my reputation and rapidly developing physical therapy skills caused me to be chosen ahead of more technically experienced candidates as the trainer and assistant coach for the UCLA and USA Olympic women’s track teams. I never applied for or asked for that job, the athletes themselves asked for me to be chosen. The athletes prioritized Trust over resume oriented qualifications.
Following the Olympics I would become a member of the (California) Governor’s Council on Fitness and Sport under Arnold Schwarzenegger and began teaching physical therapy and fitness occupations.
At the age of 28 I was struck by a drunk driver and crippled. The top 3 orthopaedic surgeons in Los Angeles all agreed: I would never run again. There was not enough functional cartilage left in my ankles for me to run, or even normally walk. This, combined with the natural hormone withdrawals caused me to look and feel like an 80 year old man. I almost had to ask for help crossing the street.
The Transition to Gaming
I got involved in gaming while I was reassembling my body in the late 1990s, just as gaming was going online. MMO’s like Everquest pulled me in, and my informal economics expertise led me to help developers world-wide with their game economies. I would return to the university in 2007 to study economics formally, with the intent of creating a new branch of academic economics: game economics. I wasn’t shy about explaining my intentions to my professors.
Of course I knew this sort of lofty goal would require extraordinary effort on my part, but I did that and was accepted by University of California, Riverside as the top economics student during that period.
As my areas of expertise were economics and warfare, I gravitated to projects like Sid Meier’s Civilization Online (which I helped kill once it became clear there were unsolvable production issues) and the two titles I designed for Wargaming (World of Tanks Blitz and World of Warships). I also did the meta design for Chris Taylor’s super military MMORTS that was being built at the Gas Powered Games facility after it was acquired by Wargaming.net. That masterpiece was killed due to East-West politics, for reasons totally unrelated to merit. Chris Taylor, a legend in game development, would exit gaming. Perhaps permanently.
Becoming Australian
I left the USA in 2019 because it was becoming clear that my moral code was incompatible with my nationality. I went to Australia, a country with a highly respected (if limited) military reputation. Their culture is honorable, they are highly respected world wide, and they have recognized and made strong efforts to remediate the less honorable activities that happened earlier in the nation’s history.
In a confusing and often compromised world, Australia stands out. Not perfect, but they understand right and wrong and take that seriously. I was determined to become an Australian, and after 6.5 years that became a reality. Less than a week ago I took the Oath of Citizenship before the Lord Mayor of Sydney, Clover Moore.
My core virtues of Loyalty and Duty, combined with the increasing geopolitical threats to the independence of Australia, caused me to re-evaluate my Vow of Pacifism. Over the last 6 years I have also adopted the ideology of Buddhism, which is compatible with Bushido. I believe the conditions that required my Vow of Pacifism no longer exist, and it is safe for me and those around me to retire it. I trust that Bushido and Buddhism will guide me sufficiently.
My Loyalty and Fealty require me to serve unwaveringly in any military capacity I consent to. Yesterday I applied to serve the Australian Defence Force as an officer. I trust that they will not order me to perform any dishonorable act, and I will make that clear to the psych officer during the mandatory psych evaluation. The ADF’s own written list of virtues align with Bushido, they just have to follow them.
I am applying for a part time Reserve position so that I can be available to shepherd the gaming industry as it struggles to adapt to the new requirements of the Digital Fairness Act (I assisted with its creation) and the move towards (more honorable) pro-consumer business models which I have spent the last 20+ years developing. I wanted to make it clear to those who know I’ve been a pacifist for the last 42 years, why that is changing.
If a world war breaks out, which I have publicly predicted in a recent paper, I will convert to full time military work and I assume that game development will largely be put on pause worldwide.
Australia has always punched above its weight class in military confrontations, and it is my hope that my expertise in economics and military supply chains can help maintain that reputation.
Oh and I have been running again. How am I doing this even though it is medically impossible? Well, I cheat of course, scientifically. I have been training with a team here in Sydney for over 5 years, and two years ago I engineered a custom biomechanical change and new stride pattern that has revolutionized my training. The ADF requires applicants aged 60 to run 2.4km in 18:20. Those 29 or younger need to do it in 13:00. Based on my recent times, I believe I can do it in 11:00.