237C. DatingOS: Advanced Listening and Arbitrage

People who don't have these skills say things like "I know my worth". Value is situational, and having dating situational awareness is the most important skill you can have when selecting a partner.

All relationships, whether professional or personal, are on some level transactional. People trade sex for love, or attention for influence, they will be a sycophant for a promotion, or maybe they will do anything to get backstage with their favorite musician. There is a lot that goes into making a great deal, and ideally one that’s also great for the other person.

Influencers and “dating coaches” often give dating advice on how to get a great deal when dating. Most of this advice is pretty bad and will cause you to do terribly when negotiating with others. The expression “I know my worth!” is probably one of the worst and most common mythological statements. Anyone saying this has a 100.000% chance of not knowing their worth. Value is not determined by the seller, it’s determined by the buyer.

If you ask too high a “price”, you will either get no buyers, or con artists who will be pretending to match your asking price. Then you will complain that you got conned and will go into victim mode, which lowers your real value to everyone except sociopaths who love victims. Then you wonder why everyone you date is a sociopath. This can go badly very quickly.

So you want to find the best partner you can, but you don’t know where to start. Starting by listening to grifters on TikTok is not going to be productive. This is an extremely complex process that very few people understand, so let’s break it down into smaller chunks.

Peacocking Your Assets and Desirables

In the previous paper I talked a bit about “Peacocking”, which means to show off what you got to someone that might want it. Peacocks are very visual creatures, and so are people. So for most people they think all that’s involved in getting a good match is having good pictures. Perhaps better pictures than you deserve, so a lot of work often goes into faking one’s appearance. This could involve clever angles, make-up, clothes, filters, very old pictures, or taking a picture of 5 people and making the viewer guess which one is you.

While this can work to get you to a first date, it is also likely to create an immediate conflict where the best outcome is just you getting out safely. If you don’t get out safely from a situation you created, then you can go into victim mode and start that whole process of degradation. It’s always better to not exaggerate your appearance, and to have the other person be pleasantly surprised that you look better than your pictures.

But the most important things you can bring to any future relationship go well beyond surface appearance. Let’s say there are ~10 universally appreciated non visual assets that almost everyone appreciates. These might be things like trustworthiness, honesty, integrity, intelligence, and the speech and touch skills that I discussed in the first paper in this series. Then let’s say for our purposes there are 90 secondary skills that most people find useful, but to varying degrees. Then there might be 1000 esoteric assets you might have or want that only a small niche of people will have some unusual appreciation for.

Communicating the assets you score high in in your profile can help to attract the right people. Universal assets will attract a lot of people, but do nothing to narrow down your search to the people who will greatly “overvalue” you. Imagine if we set Asset Multipliers to all these characteristics:

Undesirable Neutral Desired Fetish

Universal 0.5 1.0 2.0 3.0

Secondary 0 1.0 3.0 5.0

Esoteric -5 1.0 5.0 15.0

[the numbers here are abstract, just to explain a point]

The reason that Esoteric traits have more value is because they are rare, both for people to have them and for people to have an opinion on them. If someone likes or dislikes something, and only one out of 100 people have that trait developed, it’s going to stand out.

So how to use this chart? Let’s say I’m not great at cooking (2/10), so I don’t talk about cooking. Any trait or asset you don’t mention, people will assume you are bad (<2) at. That’s fair. Don’t mention it and take the “L” there.

Now let’s say I’m emotionally stable and good at touch, so I mention that in my profile. This will appeal to a wide range of profile readers and earn me some points with a lot of people. Let’s say most people will give me 2 points for each of those, so 4 points instead of the default 2 for two traits. Everyone is assumed to have 1 point value in every trait so I’ve only earned 2 points above baseline for having 2 desired universal traits.

What if I mention that I’m a strict vegan? This is a relatively rare trait that will affect a lot of people, since it can make any eating situation complicated. So that’s a secondary asset. For people who like eating animals for pleasure and don’t want to be judged while they do it, “veganism” is an undesirable trait. So they would give me a “0.2” instead of “1.0”. Thus they penalize me 0.8. I’ve talked to people who just flat out won’t date vegans in a country where they were almost non-existent. There it was an esoteric trait, and their seeing me as a “cultist” eliminated me as an option. That’s a good thing, since we are looking for compatible people.

For someone that respects veganism, I might get 2 points. For another vegan, I’d get 5 points. That’s a 4 point boost above baseline. That alone might push us into the “compatible” zone and help smooth out negative points in other areas.

Now if I mention that I’m an exercise physiologist and I’ve coached female runners for 15+ years all the way to the Olympic level, that’s a very rare asset that few people will care about one way or another. So 90% of people will be neutral about that. The 9% of people who are casual runners might find that desirable and give me 5 points. The 1% that are athletes might find me super useful and give me 15 points. That’s a 14 point boost above baseline. That would be a great match for both of us.

Two of my best relationships were with women who were permanently disabled with back injuries. These women were willing to clear their rotations entirely and move me in if I could restore their full function. One of these women was a nurse and she knew how rare this skill was because no one at her hospital had this skill. The other one was a CEO and being able to live a full life was worth a lot to her.

These are the kinds of attractions you want to identify in both directions. You want them to find you indispensable, and you want to be treated like you are indispensable. If you normally pull “5s” when you date, finding a very specific asset match like this can move you in with a “10”, or at least an “8” that will treat you like a “10”.

Just as important is that you want to turn off incompatible people. That saves you a lot of time and resources to not engage these people. When dating online, we all suffer from overchoice, especially in big cities. That’s a bad thing as it can make discovery much harder. Your perfect match might be out there, but if you have to randomly date a million people to find them you might need 200 years for that and you die 170 years too early.

People tend to say what they think others want to hear. That doesn’t help you stand out in any way. If you are open to dating people that the vast majority of people definitely won’t date, then make sure you say that. Saying that you like people of the “wrong race” might cause all the racists to skip you, but that’s a good thing. Willing to, or preferring to date an autistic, someone with a nose ring, or transgender person? Say it proudly! 80% of people might reject you instantly, but those demographics might 20X you and you could get matches that would normally be out of your league.

Of course a lot of this should also be communicated after you and another person have matched, but before the first date. Human diversity is what makes us such a cool species. Maybe I love full body art and wouldn’t be even slightly anxious about going into a grocery store with a gal that has a split tongue. On the other hand, 80+% of people like that might have some serious trauma and/or mental illness that makes it hard for those people to have long term relationships. Chemistry and biology can go a long way towards smoothing out life’s little speed bumps, and not everyone is perfect.

If you are living your dream and manage to avoid getting axe murdered, you’re doing better than most. Perhaps most people prefer the ordinary, but given how many of you are now dopamine addicts, I’m guessing that you will accept a lot of speed bumps in return for a partner that still makes you feel something.

Active Listening

Many of us are better at talking than we are at listening. Talking doesn’t make you smarter, listening does. Animals also think that people who listen are smarter than those that make a lot of noise. If you can impress someone’s animal companions, that person is going to trust you a lot more. Animals are usually pretty good listeners, and humans who aren’t should listen to their animals to get early warning about the proximity of sociopaths and other assorted predators.

Of course if you are a sociopath, you probably shouldn’t date people who have close animal companions as they might sort you out. But of course you already know this.

As people spend more and more time interacting with devices instead of humans, they lose the speech and touch skills that previous generations were better at. This was a central theme of the first paper in this series, the one on “Leveling Up”. I’ve learned the hard way over the years that the people around me need help talking. If I wait for them to share their feelings, thoughts, wants, or consents, I could die of old age. And, given that I barely age, that’s saying a lot.

Sometimes a little help goes a long way. Something like this:

• “Can I ask you a personal question?”

• “Even if it’s about mental health?”

• If they now say “no”, respond with “Okay no worries. Just know you can share on that topic with me any time and I won’t judge”

Either way you’ve now communicated the following to them:

• You gave them explicit consent to talk about something that some people may not want to discuss. That right there lowers the barrier to communication tremendously.

• You implied that you are asking because you care about them, not because you are afraid of them.

Then you drop the subject entirely. It’s there move, and now it’s a lot more likely they will make that move. The highest level woman I’ve ever met in my life once gave me the best advice I’ve ever received. We were both in a hot tub together, and I honestly don’t remember how that happened since we weren’t involved in the normal sense. She waded over to me and roasted me with her burning blue eyes and said “Ramin, don’t make women come. Let them come.”

That’s been burned onto my brain ever since. Not only is this amazing advice, but it’s also gender neutral advice. Everyone can benefit from it. The key to getting a relationship isn’t to coerce or even market your way into it. Peacocking is great and all, and a useful skill. The problem is that even someone that really wants you may be too nervous to say that. There could be 20 reasons that keep them from acting. They may have enough desire to charge through 5 reasons, but not 20.

Social media constantly feeds us with reasons not to be courageous. Even our friends and family might be trying to scare you out of things you want to do. Some degree of fear is healthy, but not if it cripples you. If that’s you, you probably live a life full of regrets. To me, that’s the worst kind of life. I’d rather do something and fail, than relive over and over the regret of not having tried. I fail a lot, despite being pretty good at this sort of stuff, because I attempt really hard and scary things. Being in the Olympic family gave me a lot of courage.

Not everyone has that courage. Just coming right out and giving consent for even a little thing can open up the flood gates. Something like “I get lonely sometimes, if you ever want to grab some food or take a walk and talk to someone, please don’t hesitate to ask me.” Now you’ve all but eliminated the risk of rejection for the other person, and now they think they are helping you by being a little courageous.

You aren’t making them do something you want them to do. You are letting them do something you want, on the off chance they want that too. If there is a Connection there, there’s more than a small chance they will want that too. In a world where they are under constant coercion bombardment, this little nuance is very powerful.

If you are actively listening, people will often drop little hints about things that are important to them. They say “I love the way that bird sings in the tree.” It might sound like a totally random and unimportant statement. What if there is an avalanche of emotions behind it that are carefully hidden? Ask them “Tell me what’s magical about that bird.” You not only gave them consent to elaborate, but you matched their vibe by treating the bird with the same respect. You may have just removed 3 or 4 reasons they had to not talk to you.

They may know you have an asset/skill they desire, but are anxious about asking about it. Maybe you have a tattoo and they notice it. If you notice that they noticed, you can say “do you want to see all of it?” You’ve just gently given them consent. Giving and asking for consent is so important, but people are afraid to ask/give for fear of rejection. “Do you want to touch it? [the tattoo]” That’s a big consent, to let the person touch you. It’s also very sexy. Don’t make them touch you or attempt to touch them without consent. Let them touch you.

Very powerful. I talked about the power of the Reciprocal Self-Disclosure game in the last article, in the section on “Love Seekers”. You can do reciprocal consent giving, that’s perhaps even more powerful. But don’t over offer, as that could be creepy. Try to listen and detect if the other person could be hitting a speed bump, and if so remove the speed bump. Giving consent for something they haven’t given any indication that they need could come across as coercive.

None of this is easy, but as you level up it gets easier. Also, these sorts of high value interactions give you a lot of XP, so it’s the fastest way to level up.

Putting it Together

So to recap, you want to give people who might be interested in you enough information to decide how much they want you, or not at all. What comes next can be scary, especially if you are new to dating or fail at it a lot. Going on a date and not crashing and burning is a complex thing fraught with opportunities to fail.

The more the other person values what you got, the more little errors they will ignore. Once it’s clear that there is mutual interest, you can move to slowing sharing feelings, thoughts, histories, and consents. Start with little things. Each sharing that doesn’t result in rejection brings the two of you closer and builds trust. This isn’t a race. Or, if it is, it’s one that the turtle wins 90% of the time.

Making any move without consent is super high risk for both of you. That’s why giving little consents expands the playground that both of you can operate in. If you gave them an important consent for something like touching you, and they did, that generally means that they’ve silently giving you the same consent back. Still, don’t assume. Move slowly to make sure they have time to say “no”, and it’s also critical to understand that all consents can be revoked. Consents are a privilege, not an entitlement.

Your “worth” is ultimately how much someone wants what you’ve got. That can vary WIDELY between people. If you are talking about “knowing your worth”, there’s a good chance that most people will think you have negative value. You can’t make people want you, you can only let people want you.