240. Consent Culture
Consent Culture is essential to modern relationships, even professional ones. But what is CC? In a world where people like lawyers, the need for CC also acts as a bane against romance.
I talk about how important Consent Culture (CC) is in many papers. But I don’t think I’ve ever defined what CC is. I have talked about Power as a transactionable good in my paper on How to Make Healthy Games. What I didn’t explain was Empowerment, which is a bit different and also a key component to this conversation.
This topic is also timely because the “voice memo guy” (look it up) is causing a lot of debate on the topic of consent right now.
I’ve had people do things to me without consent going all the way back to the age of 7. Some of those things are obviously illegal. But there is a wide range of activities, things we might consider “niceties” or “signs of respect”, that deserve getting consent before they are done. Things that are generally considered personal.
Asking for consent is a sign of respect. That said, consent can be revoked at any time. So consent does not equal a guarantee. These two things are often confused or conflated. Also, there are ways of asking for consent that are also laced with Disempowerment, which can then sound like an Ultimatum.
Because many people today (usually women) will weaponize a lack of consent against someone else (usually a man) by invoking an institutional response (like the police), now we have to have more formal consent. Because some people feel Entitled to other people (all genders are guilty of this), it’s not uncommon for people to just try to take what they want. That’s why we need Consent Culture so people understand what is and is not appropriate when dealing with other people.
This all comes with a price. Getting consent, unless done expertly, is not romantic. In romance, where both people are in sync and reading each other’s body language, you can get reliable consent in non-verbal ways. That’s how life used to be. But since you can’t defend yourself in court with a non-verbal agreement, unless you also have video evidence, you can easily be entrapped. So here we need to make a distinction between Consent Culture and Legal Consent. Sometimes you need both, and sometimes you don’t.
Since this is likely already sounding very complicated, and it’s even more complicated than that, this paper is needed. I will break everything down into small chunks as trying to swallow all of this at once will be overwhelming.
Consent Versus Legal Consent
If you are dealing with a person who seems friendly and who has no obvious reason to exploit you, then Consent is all you need. If you trust your instincts, non-verbal consent might be enough. For instance, if someone is kissing on you, that gives you implied consent to kiss them back. But did they need verbal consent from you before they kissed you? If you are touching their arm or back, then there is some implied low level touch consent there. As long as neither party is acting defensive, then usually non-verbal consent is adequate.
As soon as someone starts acting a bit defensive, then automatically all consents need to be verbal. If the person is acting antagonistic in any way, then I would recommend you get written consent for pretty much anything that could be legally actionable. In the modern dating environment, a lot of people are acting defensive or antagonistic.
Example 1 (Antagonistic): I have a neighbor who has been very pleasant and chatty. She shared something personal about herself that was traumatic in nature. Before I could respond, she started explaining that this was to be expected because women are oppressed in the Patriarchy. I’ve talked about Patriarchy and Matriarchy before, especially in my Gender Economics paper. But here she was clearly expressing a Gender Supremacy ideology. I was not expecting this and I did not invite it.
As I am male bodied, and she was expressing a Gender Supremacy argument targeting men in general, this put me under implied threat. Thus in the future if I had any interaction with her I’d want to get written consent to talk. I’ve offered to give her some coaching, but I’d probably want to video that for my protection. Dating someone who has a fear or hatred of one of your demographics is a super bad idea. No good will come of it.
Example 2 (Entrapment): Once when I was in a whistleblower scenario that could potentially involve hundreds of millions of dollars of liability (not my liability), I had someone ask me out to grab “to go” lunch. I agreed and got it in writing. When I got there I was doing some reading after ordering, when this woman started asking me personal and rude questions about my love life.
I thought to myself “well, I’m not liking the tone, but she’s given me consent by asking me”. Big mistake on my part. Yes, if someone asks you a question, they’ve given you consent to answer it. But if the question is antagonistic or accusatory in any way, now you are potentially under legal threat. That means the other person could deny giving you consent and just say you started talking about your love life without them wanting that.
This person was in fact trying to farm me for incriminating information. When they didn’t get it, they just fabricated some. Six months later a false allegation was made just as I was about to whistleblow, which I assume was to use as leverage to stop me.
The moment a situation turns antagonistic, even if you have full consent before, you now need legal consent for any interaction that could be legally actionable. That includes just answering their questions if they are gathering personal data about you. So you get it in writing or on video that they are making this or that request of you. If they are a bad actor (which is likely) they will almost certainly escalate, but if you get that on video this can provide you a defense.
Consent Versus Ultimatum
The “Voice Memo Guy” (VMG) was a recording of a man asking a woman on a voicemail to confirm he has consent to get physical with her prior to going on a second date where apparently she had invited him to her house. We don’t have the invitation that preceded this voicemail, so that invitation isn’t 100% certain.
Now if it was a situation where two people end up in a Very Private environment where there will (intentionally) be no witnesses, then it makes sense to get some Consents. But the problem here is that just because you have privacy, that’s not a guarantee that both people will feel like making out.
He was right to be mindful of Consent, but his timing was off. By trying to get consent before he even arrived, it sounded more like he wanted a guarantee, not just consent. The two are not the same since consent can be revoked at any time. To me asking for a guarantee implies a level of Entitlement. Every time you make it to a next higher level of intimacy with someone else, that’s great. That can be quite an accomplishment given the ongoing Gender War. But that does not Entitle you to the next level of intimacy.
I heard one lady influencer describe his request as an “Ultimatum”. To understand what an Ultimatum is, you have to understand what Empowerment and Disempowerment is.
Empowerment: Giving another person a new option that didn’t exist before, without removing any of the options they had before. More options in life is more power.
Disempowerment: Taking away from someone an existing option they had. Even if you are giving them a new option at the same time, this is still Disempowerment.
So if Harvey Weinstein tells you he can make you a star if you give him something he wants, but also implies that he can destroy your career if you don’t, that’s Disempowerment. It’s also an Ultimatum because a punishment is attached to not giving consent.
As an example, I had a partner who I had been with for a month. After that time she wanted me to make an “exclusivity vow”. If I didn’t, she would leave me. This is an ultimatum. I don’t do ultimatums so I handed her her stuff and never saw her again. A few months later she called me, crying, asking for a do over. I said no. Don’t make ultimatums, that’s coercive.
So VMG was clearly catastrophically unromantic in his request for a priori consent. He said without that consent, he wasn’t coming over. After just one date, and especially after that icy delivery, this doesn’t come across as a punishment. He probably did the lady on the other end a huge favor. Thus this is not an ultimatum. It’s just really low level social skills from a low level person. Not only does he have poor social skills, but he was asking for a consent he hadn’t earned.
How do you earn consent? That’s a hard question. But generally if you imagine that there are ten stages of intimacy from A to J, and you are at stage B, you should be asking for consent to “C” next. Asking for consent for stage “I” after stage “B” is going to come across as at least creepy. It also implies a severe lack of empathy or compassion.
That said, I have just as much disdain for the person who described VMG as making an Ultimatum, for the exact same reasons. Trying to get someone cancelled for being low level is uncool. Being low level is not the same as being unethical.
The sad truth here is that people can’t have their cake and eat it too. If they want people to always get consent for everything, then you have to be okay with them asking you for consent for everything. Asking for consent in a romantic way is a VERY high level technique, and as I explained in the paper on that subject, the more we interact with electronic devices the lower level we become. Thus people have never been as low level in the history of Earth as they are now. People like VMG and “ultimatum gal” are going to become more common.
The Art of Consent
It is a bit unfortunate that I had to start this paper with a lot of warnings, but we are in a Gender War and so there is a certain level of threat at all times. Not everyone is participating in the Gender War, but since social media is really pushing it, most heavy users have joined it. If you found someone on a social media site like Instagram which also promotes Gender War, well… good luck with that. To me that sounds like a really bad idea.
Under normal conditions, Consents have a Progression Schedule. This applies to all personal consents, not just physical ones. If there are ten steps on that Progression Schedule from A to J, that doesn’t mean you flew out of your mother at birth knowing what those were. You find out the hard way, that’s part of why Leveling Up is the most important criteria for success in dating. It’s also very important in business, but in business you can spend a lot of money to have other people do things for you. Those other people might be higher level than you. The cool thing about dating is that ultimately you are going to have to Progress on your own, without help, at some point. Unless you’ve got a hidden ear piece with a bunch of people giving you advice (I’m sure I’ve seen a few movies like this), it’s all going to be You.
Ideally you know that after “C” comes “D”, “E”, and “F” in that order. When you are still learning all that, you might not even know what “E” is, how to do it, where it goes, and how long you should do “E” before attempting “F”. Sometimes people skip steps because of enthusiasm, or because one or both people are experts and can speed up the process. Sometimes they have a mental disorder that causes them to overshare.
Life is complicated. People are complicated. I try to be both patient and compassionate. But I’m never unobservant. Watching someone operate can tell you what’s coming next and what to be ready for. If either of you has a sudden mood swing, that’s a red flag. Stop and evaluate, and ask questions. One or both of you could have past undisclosed trauma, be a low level Autistic, or even have a Cluster B mental disorder.
These things are not necessarily disqualifying, but they might make it necessary to spend 10 times (or even 100 times) longer on “C” before going to “D”. It might also be an opportunity for the higher level person to remind the other what “D” is, so they don’t skip it. Two low level people both might not even know about “D”, and this can be painful to watch. That is, of course, how you learn. The hard way.
Communication, empathy, and compassion are so critical to forging relationships, even professional ones. When I’m in an office and someone is looking stressed, triggered, or angry, I don’t react. I Listen. I remind the person that I’m on their side. Ask what’s up and how I can help. If their first reaction is to accuse someone else of something, I don’t automatically assume they are being truthful. I have to ask the other person what’s up and give them the same level of empathy and compassion.
If you aren’t sure what the next step is after “C”, then ask. That takes a lot of courage, but then you are implying consent for the other person to explain “D” to you and that can be great for trust building.
Sometimes when someone goes from “A” to “D” in seconds, that can make others uncomfortable. “Love Bombing” is an example of this. Even if it feels good, it requires a moment of self reflection. “Is this appropriate? What’s going on here?” I do a lot of sharing on my substack. By putting “Dating App” in the title I’m implying that they might run into some level of adult content. I had to do that because without that, people would be concerned if they were expecting games and found out that I go much deeper than that here.
While I may explain topics from “A” to “J” here, my target demographic is not people who want to learn about “A”. It’s people who want to learn about “J”, how to get there, and why they might want to get there. So for instance they might know about subscription models and F2P, but I talk about 6+ levels of F2P classification. I could do the same thing about dating, and it seems I’m heading in that direction.
The reason I get into such difficult content on my substack is because there is a lot of complexity in life that didn’t exist even one generation ago. Learning all that the hard way can be perilous. You have bad actors on every side flooding the space with malicious content intended to promote hate and division. I’m trying to bring people together, so I’m not producing the sort of high engagement content that social media wants to promote. Thus if I’m talking about “F” here, it isn’t because I’m skipping to F. I’m explaining “F” because there are a lot of people who get “A” through “D” just fine but then wipe out at “F” and may not even know what “J” is. I don’t just walk up to people on the street and start talking about Gender Economics or Supremacy Language.
In all my papers I urge people to take their time. If you find someone you really like, and you feel a Connection, that’s all the more reason to go slow. Gluttony is a Sin for non-hedonists. When you find a fine wine, don’t guzzle the whole bottle in one sitting. Take a few sips, ponder the experience, and put it on the shelf. Anticipate the next time. If you try to drink it all in one sitting, you are telling the other person “You are not a fine wine, you are a can of Coor’s Lite”. And you’ve probably downed a lot of Coor’s Lite in your lifetime.